Sharing is caring!

This was written about 1968 or about three years after I was in Vietnam. It is not autobiographical in nature. However, it is informed by what I witnessed in Vietnam. I never sought to have it published.

May

            As he moved down the dirt street a breeze washed over him from between two buildings and then out to join the rising air from the street. It carried the fresh rich earthy odor of tropical decay and the fetid bite of open sewers. Ed Brooks stopped. A trickle of sweat ran down the small of his back. It was still early morning and the sun promised more sultry heat.

He read the signs in front of the rough buildings until he found the Wyoming Bar. Ed moved with the grace of an outdoorsman as he started towards the bar. Going not because he was from Wyoming, but to enjoy the freedom offered by a grateful absentee owner. Out of habit he stepped into the shade and waited a few moments for his eyes to adjust before going into the dimness of the bar.

He saw all in a blink; the whitewashed walls, the cheap plastic covered bar along three quarters of one side of the long room, the crude low back booths that lined the opposite wall, and then ran all the way to the back. Three women were sitting in one of the back booths. Ed ran his tongue over his upper lip tasting the salt of his sweat. A bartender sat half dozing on a stool behind the bar. The dark smell of every bar was highlighted with the faint odor of incense. A speaker crackled 10-year-old music.

Ed took a booth halfway back in the room. One of the women got up and came towards him. Her long black hair covered the straps of a low-cut shiny hot green dress. He watched fascinated as her breasts jiggled and wiggled trying to escape over the top of her dress. Silicone, he decided, flesh does not slop around like water in a bowl.

She asked him what he wanted to drink, but his eyes stopped her from offering anything more.

After serving his drink she told the others to forget him. He smiled. They didn’t realize he spoke their language. Ed watched as more women, obviously just waking up, joined the group. He knew for the price of a drink they would talk to him and just for little more than they would love him for 10 minutes. He was just there for the company, but not the way they would understand. He sought the sound of their light voices in his ears, the roundness of theirs bodies for his eyes, and their gaiety for his soul. He was tired of male voices, bodies, and war.

They started to play cards for small stakes. Giggling at the turn of a card or giving the winner of a hand a hard time. Ed listened with his eyes closed enjoying the sound.

“G.I.?” a voice asked.

Ed opened his eyes to dismiss the speaker but instead smiled.

One of the women not much more than a girl stood with eyes lowered beside him.

Pointing to the other women she said, “They say I too dumb. I don’t play cards good. They say I should come practice my English on you. We talk?” She quickly added, “no drink.”

“Sure, you practice your English,” Ed straightened up and pointed to the other side of the booth, “Sit down.”

“My name May. What yours?” She asked.

“Ed,” he answered. He knew her name couldn’t be May, but it was probably as close as most GIs could get to her real name. She was too young to have the hard face of a whore.

She smiled again and sat down before saying, “Ed, you tell me when I make a mistake?”

“Yes, I will, May,” Ed looked at the simple white dress she wore. It had no decoration, but there was an old yellow stain on her left shoulder.

May noticed his gaze and asked, “You like me?”

Ed frowned and answered truthfully, “I don’t know you yet. I was looking at your dress.”

May accepted his answer and they slipped into an easy conversation.

Ed corrected her when needed. Despite the complexity of English, May rarely made the same mistake twice. Ed knew she was doing far better than he had with her language as he learned it.

May had much to say about herself. Where she had lived. Why she had come to town and how she had helped her family.

Ed had heard the story before from a hundred other whores. He felt a little uneasy believing May, but her bubbling enthusiasm for life carried him along. Before Ed moved to leave, the sun was overhead and the bar was filled with the smells of salty sweat, shameless sex, and booze.

May asked simply, “You come see me again?”

Ed smiled, “Sure.” He leaned over and patted the back of her hand and then made his way out the door.

It was a little over a week before Ed returned to the Wyoming Bar. He often visited the bar after someone was killed. But this time it was out of habit, not grief. The man had been a fresh replacement. Ed hadn’t even known his name. He smiled at the thought and frowned. Somebody back home knew and loved the kid.

He wanted company so he could not think. May joined him. Their bar talk and his beers numbed him until he realized he had another need.

Ed looked at his watch, then asked May, “Would you like to go up the street and get something to eat?”

“You have to talk to boss lady,” May said.

“Send her over.”

He watched as May went to an older woman and spoke to her. The older woman was dressed better than the others and carried herself with authority. She got up and came over to Ed leaving May behind.

As she reached Ed she said flatly, “I don’t care what you want to do with her, but it will cost you.”

Ed smiled at her flawless English and stood up. The woman’s eyes narrowed as she spotted is forty-five, an unusual thing for an off-duty soldier but her eyes smiled as his hand went to his wallet.

Instead of money he produced a slip of paper and handed it to her. “Read it,” he said.

She read it carefully, even turning it over to see if there was more on the back. She looked at Ed a moment then motioned May to join them as she handed the paper back to him. When May reached them the older woman ordered, “Go with him. Do whatever he wants, but do not take any money,” then she walked away.

May looked at Ed questioningly

Ed understood the look and said, “I’ll explain over some food. Come on.”

May followed quietly.

The restaurant was odd shaped with tables starting in a tomb-like darkness of the back room and flowing out into the bright light of the brown street. Ed chose a table just inside the shade.

May studied his face as she asked, “You really hungry? You know like me?”

“Look, I haven’t eaten since yesterday. I do like you, but I’m hungry. Okay?” Ed said.

May smiled. Hunger was something she understood.

They ordered when the waiter appeared, then Ed told her how he saved the life of the bar owner.

May smiled as he finished, “You big hero then for saving colonel?”

Ed shook his head no as he said, “He thought I was and gave me free run of one of his bars. I was just as scared as everyone else. I reacted faster, that’s all.”

The arrival of the food ended their talk. Ed ate with the practiced ease of someone used to flies. One hand moving back and forth over his plate while he ate with the other one.

As they ate Ed grew tired of hearing to locals giving May a hard time thinking he didn’t understand them. Speaking their language, he said, “You had better shut up. I don’t like what I hear.” Ed smiled as he added, “I like it quiet when I eat, you understand?”

The two men sat in shocked silence staring at him, then they saw his eyes. Shock was replaced by fear as they nodded their understanding.

May sat frozen through the exchange. Her voice shook a little as she said, “I not think you know my language.”

Ed smiled trying to relax her, “I know. I never told you, but those two were getting on my nerves.”

May’s voice passed through normal and on to anger as she said, “You tricked me. You make a fool out of me not telling. I can take care of myself. I not need you.”

“Don’t get mad,” Ed said, “My job is to listen. It’s better if everyone doesn’t know I speak your language.”

May didn’t answer. Her eyes still sparkled with anger.

Holding up his hands with palms facing her Ed said, “Hold on, I’m used to playing dumb.” Ed switched to her language, “A lot of my work is getting information on how people feel, what they think of the enemy, and so on. I just listen. People talk thinking I do not understand them.”

May sat thinking and then asked in her language, “Are you a spy?”

Ed laughed and answered in English, “No, but we need to know what the people are thinking to help them. That’s part of my job, finding out things.” There was more, but Ed could not and would not tell her. Rather than lie he would not say more.

The anger drained from May’s eyes and she giggled. “You hear what they call you in the bar?”

“Yes.”

“That funny. I won’t tell. We can laugh together,” May grinned at their shared secret.

After finishing their meal, they walked together looking at the shops as they made their way to the river. Together they sat in the shade of a gnarled tree it had cinnamon colored bark and tiny red flowers. They watched the small wooden boats, talked as they enjoyed the clean smells of the river, then sat silently listening to the wind in the trees before starting back towards the bar.

When May realized where they were going, she asked, “You no make love to me? You not like me?”

The warm questioning of her brown eyes stopped Ed to give her a quick answer as he turned to face her. Tracing the line of her jaw with the tip of the finger said, “I like you. I like you very much, May. There is a time for love and now isn’t that time. Do you understand?”

She felt the warmth of his touch and said joyfully, “Okay, I understand. You fuck me later, right?” May was pleased with her understanding and gave Ed a laughing hug. She could not see the pain in his eyes.

When Ed went to the Wyoming bar, others soon followed until it became a second home for his unit. But his place of escaping was no longer hidden from his comrades, Ed would have found another bar except for May.

Arriving one afternoon, he found several members of his unit enjoying themselves. Ed sat down with Jim Fisher, a trusted friend. Jim was mostly a paper pusher from G2, but Ed found his levelheaded approach to life as an anchor. One of the women told Ed that May was busy. Jim and Ed talked quietly until one of their unit appeared from the back room.

Seeing Ed, he smiled and walked slightly unsteady towards the booth. He called out, “Hey Sarge, you got great taste in women. That’s one of the finest pieces of ass. I’ve never had better.” He said steadying himself by holding onto the low back of the booth.

Ed said, “Thanks Wilson, but you tell that to her and not me,” then switching to his professional role he added, “You’re on that operation tomorrow. You better lay off the booze or you won’t be worth shit.”

Wilson grinned and answered, “Right Sarge, soon as Slater comes back we will head back to the unit. Still grinning Wilson made his way to another booth.

Ed shook his head, “Oh, to be a kid again.”

“You’re not much older than him,” Jim said.

“True, but here I am his pop and mama. It’s the rank that makes you old,” Ed then added, “And tired.”

“I never thought of rank that way maybe it’s ‘cause I’m just a desk jockey. All rank has ever meant to me was more money and less shit I have to put up with, but doesn’t what Wilson said about May bother you?”

“No, that’s her job,” Ed answered with a shrug then rubbed his calloused and scarred hands together before saying, “Like being a waitress.”

“Waitress shit,” Jim said. “It’s obvious you like her. It’s gotta get to you.”

Ed looked directly at Jim and said, “Sure it did. I hated it. I had to give a lot of thought, a real lot of thought. You know her job makes a whole lot more sense than ours. She at least provides some pleasure,” Ed looked away and stared out in the reddish-brown dirt street, “May took me to her village. I met her family. Her father was killed several years ago. Her one older brother is in the Army and they have not seen or heard from him in over a year. She’s got five younger brothers and sisters, plus one of her grandmother’s lives there. May supports them all. There isn’t another job in this whole damn country that would let her do that but the one she’s got now. It’s not my place or right to tell her to do differently anyway.”

Jim studied him for a moment and then asked, “Mind telling me something?”

A faint smile appeared on Ed’s face. He said, “You want to know if I’ve ever slept with her, right?”

“Yah.”

“Well I haven’t,” Ed said flatly.

“Why not?”

Ed turned and holding up his left hand pointed at his wedding ring.

“That never stopped you before around places like this,” Jim said.

“I don’t like cheating. Liking someone then screwing her is cheating. Masturbating inside some whore isn’t cheating,” Ed explained.

Jim shook his head and said, “Don’t try and run that one by the chaplain.”

Ed picked up his beer. With the index finger of his other hand he connected the two half-moon shaped puddles of condensation to form a ring. He had said as much to himself as to Jim who was watching his very deliberate actions, “I don’t like things unfinished.”

May appeared. She came over and took Ed by the hand to lead him towards the back of the building. They went by the little working cubicles partitioned by sheets and with thin mattresses on each floor. They had the musty odor of sex. Ed and May went out the back door and across the courtyard the building where the women lived.

Ed had been there before and enjoyed the visits. The women seemed more feminine when not working. The building was more sensual than the bar. Its features were more rounded, softened by dresses, lingerie, and bed clothes hanging up to dry on the balconies. It looked feminine.

May hadn’t spoken a word as she led them to her room. Speaking her language as they often did when they were alone, she said, “I am tired. Too much work today.”

Looking around Ed answered, “Yesterday was payday. They’ve gotta go get it spent or so they think.” The room was larger than most about ten by twelve. With the bed in one corner, a cheap wooden wardrobe closet, three lamps, and two lawn chairs to fill it. One wall opened onto a balcony. For all its sparseness, it seemed homey.

May poured water from a bucket into a big plastic basin. She said, “I smell like a G.I., bad. I going to wash up.” May put down the bucket and slipped out of her dress.

Ed turned his back and said, “While you’re doing that, I’ll go out on the balcony and look around.”

“I won’t be long,” May answered.

May’s room was on the second floor and the balcony offered a view of the town. The colors of the town were of the earth: greens of the trees, red browns of the rusted tin roofs, and the blue-green of the river beyond. The town seems surprisingly quiet, almost deserted. Its narrow streets with buildings so close to the edge that Ed was prevented from seeing the streets and the people they held.

May joined him on the balcony. She smelled of soap, clean and fresh. She had on a robe. Ed wondered if it was silk or a modern fake. It was embroidered with flowers, pastels against a white background. Somewhere nearby a bird began to sing.

“I make tea if you like,” May said.

“Sounds good to me.”

Ed followed her back into the room. They talked as the water heated. May moved the two lawn chairs closer together then brought out a small folding wooden table that Ed had never seen. When the water boiled, May made tea in a blue china pot, then set it down on the little table beside two cups. They talked of nothings. After a while May fell silent looking at him, then she leaned forward. May took his left hand in hers and with her other hand turned the wedding ring around and around on his finger.

Looking at it rather than him she said, “Bad.” Her voice was sad. Still looking at the ring she asked, “Do you love her?”

Ed, who was still trying to get on his mental feet after such a quick turn of events, could only nod yes.

Looking up into his eyes May asked, “Do you love May?”

Ed squeezed her hand and answered truthfully, “Yes I do, but it is different.”

“May could make you a good wife. I cook. I clean. I take good care of you,” May almost pleaded.

May pointed to the wedding band again and asked, “Do you have babies?”

“No.”

A strange, almost pleased look came over her. May released Ed’s hand. She stood and very carefully took off her robe. She was naked.

It was a horrible moment for Ed. He feared what she was going to say or do next.

May smiled warmly and said, “I show you something.” Taking his hand, she placed it gently just below her navel and then moved his hand up and down several times over her velvet skin saying, “You feel.”

Ed was puzzled. He did as he was asked.

May held his hand tightly against her stomach with her two hands as she said, “You feel. I pregnant. I making good big baby. I know I can give you many babies now. I make you very proud.”

Ed was too stunned by May’s announcement to answer. He looked at her. She was not much more than a child, with a tiny body, only half developed breasts, and still innocent eyes that now looked at him with love. He felt numb.

May released his hand then sat back down in her chair. As innocent in her nudity as a two-year-old back home playing in the bath. She talked babies, but Ed heard little. He was thinking. Bitter thoughts: war steals the last of everybody’s youth that touches, destroying innocence and making animals of people. He hated it but Ed knew the lessons of war and the first of these was – no emotions. They can get you killed or hurt. Forcing the sad bitterness from his mind he began to wonder what would happen to her baby. He started to ask May, but she misunderstood and interrupted.

“I still work. When I get bigger,” May took her hands to show Ed the size she expected to be, “the boss lady say I get paid more. Men like the fuck pregnant lady. When I get real big, they pay extra to do it doggy fashion,” May smiled at her good fortune.

“God,” Ed breathed, but he knew she was right. Searching for something, anything, to say he asked, “When is the baby due?”

“Six months.”

As they talked on Ed forced himself not to feel, to grow numb, and by the time he left he felt almost human again.

Ed’s next mission was a near disaster. They were ambushed. His driver was injured, the Jeep destroyed, and along with that the radio. It took several days before Ed could get back to his unit. Ed arrived back in camp greeted by Jim.

“You’d better go see May. She feels you’ve gone missing. With her going to have the baby and all she’s had a rough time. If I were you, I’d go right away,” Jim said.

Still in days old combat fatigues, Ed arrived at the Wyoming Bar. A member of the unit spotted him and yelled, “Hey, look! Sarge is here. I knew he was too tough for them.” They gathered around him wanting to hear what happened.

There was a scream and May came running from the back. The men parted and May flung herself at Ed. She almost knocked him over. Ed could not believe how hard she was holding him. She started to cry, deep throated stopping sobs.

The boss lady, who had been watching, came over and said quietly to Ed, “Take her to her room. I will send something over to help calm her.”

Ed picked May up and carried her out the back, across the courtyard, and up to her room. May would not let go of him. Ed was afraid the lawn chairs would not hold both of them so he sat down on the bed still holding May. Running his hands over her hair softly as she cried, he said, “Quiet now. I am here.” Ed repeated the words over and over again until her crying became less. There were only rattling sobs as she inhaled.

One of the women brought a bottle of whiskey, two glasses, and left. Ed tried to get May to drink some, but she shook her head and said no and said that whiskey was bad for babies.

May was feeling his face as a blind person would. She said over and over again, “I thought you dead.” She would not let him go and finally fell asleep with her arms around him.

Ed sat patiently, as if holding a child, until his whole body ached. He tried to put her on the bed, but still she would not release him. He gently moved until they were lying side-by-side with their arms around each other. Her scent filled his mind. The stress of the last few days put Ed to sleep. He awoke the next morning with May’s arm still around him.

In the next few months Ed and May walked together often, laughing, watching the boats on the river, and talking. May’s prediction of more work came true and she saved carefully for the time she could not work after the birth Ed could see she was becoming a woman and felt a little sad to see the girl disappearing.

Returning home from a weeklong mission Ed was again met by Jim.

Jim handed Ed a note and said, “This is from the medic. May is very sick.”

Ed opened the note and read, “I don’t know if May had a miscarriage or it was just a premature birth. The baby died. May hemorrhage badly and now she has an infection. I talked to the docs by radio and have done everything they said. It doesn’t look good.”

The Wyoming Bar was quiet when Ed arrived the women looked away the boss lady came over.

“Her mother is with her. You had better go right away,” the boss lady’s eyes were sad for the first and last time Ed was to ever see them that way as she spoke.

Ed ran across the courtyard and up the stairs. May’s mother was sitting beside the bed and looked up at Ed. May’s face was almost white. It seemed even whiter framed by her black hair. Ed had seen that whiteness on the battlefield. He knew what it meant. Tears filled his eyes.

May’s mother took his hand and led him to the side of the bed Ed knelt and took May’s hand. He held that until the last of her warmth was gone. Gently he placed it on her chest. He stood, bent over, and kissed May

May’s mother said, “She has no pain now. She is better than us.”

Ed reached deep inside himself to kill the pain or at least try. Turning to May’s mother he asked softly, “May would never let me buy her a present, even a small one. Would you let me buy her casket and take her home?”

May’s mother bowed her head in acceptance.

Days later Ed stood watching the rise of another ruby sun. Sweat was already trickling down his back standing beside him Jim asked “Are you okay? You’ve never said anything about May.”

The muscles of Ed’s face tensed before he answered, “Yeah I’m okay. I figured it out. She was part of this war, a beautiful part, but had got her. Just as sure as if she’d stopped a slug or stepped on a booby-trap.” Ed turned to look at Jim, “You know the rules. We’re men now. We don’t stop to feel,” he paused, only his eyes spoke with the emotion, “Maybe that comes later. I don’t know.” Ed looked back at the sunrise and the sultry heat it promised before saying, “Well, it’s that time. Are you ready to go?”